Sometime I wonder just how much a heart can take. When our designer put us together he/she knew that there would be times of trial and tribulation to test our strengths and emotions. That must be why the heart is such a strong thing. You can go through countless heart breaks in a life span and no matter how much it hurts you still survive. My first love died just before his 27Th birthday when I was 20 years old. I was devastated and to this day still have a soft spot for him. I think a lot of the decisions I made after that were an after effect of having a broken heart which led to the ultimate hurt of all living with out love. The first lesson I learned on that fateful day was you don't try to drink a bottle of Jack Daniels by yourself then attempt to ride in an elevator in a thirty story building the next day. My stomach was upset as it was from the sour mash but the toll the elevator took on my insides nearly caused me to lose my breakfast and lunch in one swoop. The hurt of losing someone you love with your whole being can cause you to lose site of yourself then cause you to make unwise decisions especially when you are young. It has taken me years to learn that I made a major mistake and now have to live with the realization that I traveled down this unhappy road of my life by my own choosing. Don't get me wrong I have lived and learned a lot because of this decision and feel I have learned my lessons in life. Stogie was my life at one point and the center of my universe. Once he bit the dust under that truck that hit him while he was doing what he loved best riding his motorcycle my universe came crashing down around me. This was a wake up call for me. I made myself a promise that I would never love a man that deeply again. I also promised that no man would touch me in my heart in that way again. That was 27 years ago and so far I have kept both promises to myself. Back in May on the 27Th anniversary of his death I realized that all I had accomplished was to live a life without love. Then I learned a new lesson that I am still trying to accomplish. That lesson is how to just let go. I work on this every minute of the day. I learned I need to let go of the hurt that I have felt, let go of the hard feelings I have toward those that hurt me, and let go of relationships that do nothing but hold me back one of which is a 27 year old marriage to a controlling abusive man that never had my heart but somehow found a way to hurt me emotionally. I have moved on spiritually and emotionally but economics have held me in a holding pattern for five years. I look at happy couples and ache because I miss that closeness. I want someone to share my hopes and dreams with but can't because I feel like I'm trying to tread water in quicksand.
I started having strange dreams so I began to write them down. Some are insightful and some would make great movies of the Quentin Tarantino genre. I took one dream that I must say I woke from hanging on the headboard gasping for air with my heart pounding in my chest. I sat up and said what in the hell was that? I wrote that dream down in a little notebook that lay by my bed. As days, weeks and months passed more dreams came and I wrote them down too. My family thought I had lost touch with reality but what they didn't see was the dreams were feeding the creative side of me. Once I started working at Kroger in September I turned one of the dreams into a manuscript that hopefully will someday be a novel that will entertain many people. Today I looked back into that notebook and read some of the dreams. I was amazed at how my dreams had created a happy life for me in my dream state. I also found a couple more novels in the making there. There is a possibility of a sequel or two from the first manuscript. I have always believed that there is a reason for everything so possibly the dreams were the creative force in my trying to escape since I had stifled it for many years under the hurt I felt. It doesn't matter because I realise that I have a bright future with many great things to come I just have to be patient and face each change with a positive attitude and move forward never looking back. I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't see myself as a victim I just need to stop being a door mat and allowing myself to be run over by everyone. I am who I am and I have came a long way to get to this point in my life. I am a strong woman with a lot to give. How does the song go? "I am woman hear me roar"
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