I've Got It

When I look in the mirror I see the dark circles under my eyes and the bald head but I just can’t believe that I have cancer. I know I’m tired all of the time, have  to deal with dry itchy skin, issues with the digestive system, heartburn, achy joints and bones along with the fact food has a medicine taste. I have weird cravings and nausea but it is still hard to believe that I have cancer.

The good part is I get up every morning remain positive and attempt to stay busy. I was on my way to a wonderful career of teaching at the college level only to be knocked backward. We struggle to pay the bills and the cost of transportation to the many doctor, lab and infusion treatments. This doesn’t include the extra needs for a cancer patient.

I am not cancer I am a woman that is dealing with the process of treating cancer. I am strong in heart and mind even though my body is cursing me for introducing the cancer killing drugs that are demolishing the tumor as I write this. Chemo therapy is not only harsh on cancer cells but it is also harsh on the human body. Generally people don’t die from cancer, they die from complications of the cancer like pneumonia from being bed ridden, heart problems brought on by the drugs that are used in chemotherapy, strokes and even suicide due to the depression brought on by having cancer.

Some say if the treatment is so bad why go through it? We go through it because no matter how bad it gets during the treatment we know that the cancer is being killed. We go through it because we know that by going through the treatment our life will be extended. We go through it because we don’t want to have cancer!

Good Day 2...keep em coming!

Wow, this makes day two that I have felt actually good. I was careful to not over eat yesterday and ate small portions throughout the day. The food still has a funny after taste but I get it in and it processes the right way. I get aggravated with myself due to the fact I still get dizzy and I am still weak. When you are used to being productive in some manner it is hard on your psyche to not be able to get things done.

The power port incision has almost healed the whole way except for this curious opening at the end that had a plastic suture sticking out. I was told as if gets longer just snip it off. After showering yesterday the opening hurt. I looked over and the scab was actually a big portion of the stitch. Carefully with tweezers and clean scissors I cut that booger away and in no time felt better. For some reason I think that is some sort of wick to prevent the thing from closing on the outside before it heals on the inside.

Friends and family continue to encourage me and keep me in their prayers. I know I am not alone in this but there are times when I am so sick or feel so bad I feel alone as I watch the world spinning away outside the window. I am grateful for every one that keeps me in their thoughts and prayers and believe me I will return the favor because now I know how it feels to be so sick that you just want to cry. Thank you so much for being here with me.

One Day at a Time

One day at a time really makes progress seem so slow.  I had a great day after climbing out of the last 4 day bad chemo yuck then slipped back the next day. I am a very patient with everything but myself. With food it is a trial and error because some things make it through and others cause problems. My taste buds are off. Things are either too salty or tasteless. Then there are the cravings for foods that I really shouldn’t have. I feel bad for John because he tries his best to ensure that I eat and get plenty of fluids.  When I was sick as a child my mother would give me weak tomato soup and a slice of white bread. That usually works and I had a bowl of Tomato soup and bread successfully on one occasion.  We tried it again and the bread was sour to me so I added crackers the next time. Can soups seem too salty to me and so do most broths. Another trial and error is cereals. One morning I can handle a bowl but the next it gags me. Today I am snacking on a bowl of dry Honey nut Cheerios. The taste is off but milk is a no no of the day.

I get aggravated with not being productive and that makes me cranky or sad. I don’t have a lot of strength after the chemo yuck and it takes a few good days to build back some stamina. I want to sew, craft, paint, make plans and create but all of my artsy crafty stuff is in storage and my sewing machine is on strike. Now I want to embroidery stuff but my embroidery stuff is MIA. John suggested I write on the calendar the good and bad days so I will know what I will face on the next round or have an idea if I feel better sooner or just need to not overdo it on the good days. Maybe I should chart my progress and just do it one day at a time while being grateful for being a survivor.

Round 2 Suck it up and Move on

They said round 2 was going to be better… they said oh it will not be as bad. They lied!

For some reason round 2 felt like it was going to do me in. Anti-nausea pills did not work even being used in combination.  I could not bear light and my eyes were even so bad I could not see. I covered my eyes during the day and nothing would stay down. This all started Thursday just 2 days past the infusion.  If I tried to eat it came right back up. My nasal passages bleed on a regular basis and forget about doing anything.  Sunday was a little better since everything stayed in and I was able to tolerate soup, crackers and toast. I hate to sound like I am complaining but this is a part of dealing with chemotherapy.

John dealt with the whole thing until I started to tell him of my weird dreams and weird ideas. He exclaimed the drugs were really giving me the crazies.  When I started listing foods I wanted to eat as if I had been a contestant on Survivor he just shook his head and requested I make a list.

Manwich

Rice Krispy Treats

Steak

Pumpkin Pie

Cherry Pie

Apple Strudel

Prune and Apricot Kolaches

… All of these foods sounding good at a time that I could not eat or hold down water.  As the list grew everything else I did to try to eat failed. When you can’t even hold down water your body gets weak which makes it harder to deal with the chemical overload that has been dealt to the body. 

Tomorrow will be one week since round two and after the hell that I just drug myself through I will need to start preparing for round 3 in 2 weeks.  I can’t feel sorry for myself there is no time. I just need to suck it up move on.

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

This morning was the last straw. I got up washed my face brushed my teeth and as I brushed out my hair I watched as the sink filled up. I don’t know where it all comes from but each day more and more ends up in the trash bin. I walk through the house leaving a trail of long hair; long hairs are on my chair, my pillow and my clothes. I am more aggravated rather than upset about it because I know what is coming.

When I went to brush my hair to braid it at lunch the sink was filled again. With each braid of my hair my hands came away with even more strands. That was just more than I am willing to put up with so I brought the scissors, combs and clippers out of the bathroom and told John it’s time.

After the emotional task John is still standing and I have a bare dome. I’m okay with having no hair but it seems poor Chesty isn’t sure who I am. He is very upset. I held him and he eagerly kissed me and got excited then looked at me and bolted. Come on I can’t look that bad.  I do know that it feels quite weird when you rub your hand over your bare scalp. I look in the mirror and I see an older version of my youngest Justin. The silver lining is no more hair to clean up except the fur cast off by the BT crew. Shorter showers and the money I spent on hair care products can go to moisturizers for the rest of me.

I will miss my shinny silky locks as I look in the mirror but that was just a small part of me. I am still here just less hairy. Life is good. I have a loving husband, four grown children, wonderful son and daughter in laws, four beautiful and healthy BT’s and a whole host of family and friends that have my back.