What a day but at least I am glowing with health

Well I had a long tiring day. I went in for infusion then once done walked through the passage between buildings the found the elevator to street level. I walked across the parking lot and up the road to the Proton building for my radiation then afterwards sat in the doctors office for an hour waiting to be seen and only to be told by her fill in doctor that I should moisturize and let them know if I start having problems with my skin. So glad tomorrow is only radiation. I don't mind wearing a nose plug, breathing through a tube and holding my breath for 20+ seconds several times as they shoot me with radiation. When all is said and done I will just be glowing with health.

Ode to my Dad

26 years ago today my father left this world and left us all behind. He had been battling esophageal cancer yet it was pneumonia that took his life. They say cancer kills but actually it is usually the treatment or a result of the treatment that actually ends your life. My dad ignored the symptoms for a long time and once he was given his diagnosis it was not long after that he began to go downhill really fast. He was battling Parkinson as well as cancer at the same time. I loved my dad as do most daddy's girls and I had a closer relationship with him than I did my mother. I guess that was because I was sort of a tomboy. My younger sister related more with my mother than I did. All I ever wanted to do was make my dad proud of me but I felt that I let him down with each and every step that I took on my own. I left school at 17 to work full time. He was disappointed that I didn't graduate High School. I married my children's father at the age of 20 and he felt I was making a hasty decision. We had only dated 3 months. I wasn't pregnant so I guess he was relieved of that. My dad saw the problems I faced with the kids dad and he knew I wasn't happy but he kept his mouth shut.

My father died before I earned my GED and long before I earned three college degrees. Like I said I only wanted him to be proud of me. I was taking courses in Veterinary sciences when I got married and my mother in law advised me that I didn’t need to be going to school I needed to be working. Needless to say I stopped the courses and went to work in a Pet Store. Throughout my life I worried about my dad because he suffered with a hiatal hernia and would often not be able to eat his meals. I remember on my wedding day he was sick. I thought it was because of his stomach issues but he told me years later that it was the fact he did not like or trust the man I was marrying. He said that he didn’t want to tell me anything because he was afraid I would just run away and get married. He recognized the fact that the man was verbally abusive and controlling but I did not mention the supposedly accidental physical abuse. At the time I shrugged everything off and did not know I was in an abusive marriage. I felt that this was the way he was raised so I just needed to show him how to act. My father didn’t treat my mother in this manner but I still didn’t see the signs of abuse. We had a wonderful neighbor across the street that even talked to him and told him how he treated his wife. Tom ignored the messages. Throughout the years people would ask me or my mother if I was still with that asshole. It took me 28 years to realize that it wasn’t my fault and he was never going to change.

My father grew up in a family and a time that telling your family you loved them was not common. I tell my children at each and every chance I get that I love them and that I am proud of them. I do not want them to wonder once I am gone. My father told me he loved me the last time I saw him and by then his voice was so weak it was hard to hear that. Do not wait to tell those you love they need to know now.

There has been a lot of progress in cancer treatment in the last 26 years especially in breast cancer. I am glad that my parents are not going through this battle with me here on earth. I do believe that they are with me though. Those we love may leave this world but they do not truly leave us. They are with us in spirit and in our hearts and memories. I have angels on my side and a huge group of family and friends praying and encouraging me at every turn. I just want to say I miss my conversations with my dad and being able to hug him and kiss his cheek. I do know that he is here with me and he was the best dad to me.

Random Men and the Pointer Sisters

Day two of radiation is over and tomorrow makes day three then the weekend I am free. As I lay there topless on the table trying to ignore the men that are placing marks and stickers at various points of my upper torso I was thinking that when I had the two lazy girls very few of the male population had seen them in their natural state. Since the Pointer Sisters have been developed they have been seen by more men than I can keep track of. Every day some new fella is introducing himself as he pulls my gown down to put the Pointer Sisters on display. I am private in most respects but the weird thing is I am getting used to all of the random people examining my two new starlets.

Radiation is the final step in my treatment although I will not be through with the infusions until October. This past year has been filled with setbacks and very low days but all in all the treatment for the stupid Alien intruder has run smoothly. Yes there were days on end that I was so week I could not eat or drink and then the issue of the surgical incisions that refused to stay together but I have to say that I am lucky to have such wonderful care.

The important thing to remember is that I am cancer free! Monday there will be an ultrasound to check on that growth in my cervix to make sure it did not grow from the original ultrasound to now. They have the feeling that it was also a tumor but the chemo did its job destroying all alien cells in my body. Chemo may be hard on the body but it does its job. I did learn that it is important to remain positive and take to heart all of the prayers and well wishes. I look forward to the remaining years with the Pointer Sisters but pretty soon I need to wean them off of being center stage.

Learning from the journey

It has been 14 months since I began my journey with my cancer battle, 8 months since I was diagnosed, 7 months since I began treatment and 2 months since I have been declared cancer free. At first I only dealt with female doctors and technicians then the care broadened and now I endure lying topless around all sorts of men and women. I guess you grow a strong skin when you have to deal with life altering medical conditions. When I was changing last night John commented that it was bothersome seeing men’s initials and all sorts of drawings all over my torso. I laughed and said yep it is bothersome seeing a sea of men’s faces as you lay topless letting them draw on you. My cognitive reduction has now made it difficult for me to remember all the names. I was doing good remembering all the chemo techs names but some of them fail me now. I still go every 3 weeks for my infusion but many of the ladies names fail me. I am glad that the entry tech Jayme informs me of whose room I will be in at each visit.

The chemo did a number on me in many ways but it was the chemo and the prayers that eradicated those ugly cancer cells. I have always tried to be a patient and positive person. My mantra is live by example. One thing that I know for certain is you cannot change people; they must want to change for themselves and work to do so. No one is perfect. John has his issues, I have my issues and each and every one of you has your issues. Hopefully we know what they are and we are working on them. I remember telling someone that the thing that irritates you most about the other person is usually one of the habits or issues you must face yourself. The old saying “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is false. No matter where you are in life you can learn new habits and behaviors. I earned my Masters in my 50’s. I have seen women and men in their 70’s and 80’s earning degrees and walking across the stage to get that coveted piece a paper that they had worked for.  I believe that through a loving demeanor you are drawing in more loving people into your life. If you look at others as bad or untrusting then you will draw in more bad and untrustworthy people. I also believe in second chances. I am an honest person and hope by being so I am drawing honest people my way.

I know the world isn’t a perfect place and those that are not enlightened will spread hate, descent, and just plain old stupidity. I hear and read every day on Facebook how some hate this or that or how this group is discriminating against another group. First I believe if we stop labeling one another and realize that we are the human race and everyone has an opinion whether you agree or not that person has the right to that opinion. You do not have to agree with another person’s religion, culture, beliefs, sexual orientation or actions but you should have the respect to allow the other person to have that belief, opinion orientation or behavior. We need to stop placing judgements on people. We all make mistakes and there are good and bad people of every race, creed and religion. Thanks to the internet and social media plus the news media there are many issues in the limelight. We should use this opportunity to learn not to take a stance or pass judgement. I firmly believe that it is not my place to pass judgement on any one. I give everyone the benefit of doubt. You may fool me once but you will never be given the chance to fool me twice because I will remember.

After dealing with the fact that I had breast cancer and dealing with the treatment I know how your life can change in an instant. I was preparing to be a Professor at Florida State College Jacksonville when the rug was pulled out from under me. Hopefully I can begin that journey once again when I am released from treatment. I guess I am just trying to touch some of the hardened hearts out there. Please do not spend your life being angry and hating others. Fill your every moment with love and happiness. Most of us have the love of the fur covered baby in common. When you get angry at something on the television or social media stop and pick up that perfect loving creature. Love like a dog, perfectly and endlessly and your life will be filled with peace not anger and hate. We all face oppression because this world is so diverse. No one has the patent on pain and suffering. Try living by example and see how your life will become happier and less stressful. Be positive and surround yourself with love.

That's My Excuse and I'm Sticking To It

The last few days have been confusing for me. I get light headed when I get up from the sitting position and if I bend over I have to hold onto something when I rise up or I will fall. The weakness and dizzy feeling plaques me. During conversations I search for words that seem to be hiding somewhere in the grey brain matter playing hide and seek. I know this is just a lingering result of the chemo drugs but it seems to pop up from time to time.

We were standing outside talking with our neighbor and I had to fight the urge to grab onto the fence to steady myself. It is things like this that frustrate me. Today I begin the Radiation portion of the treatment and I have been told that I mat experience tiredness and to just give in and rest when needed. This is only for six weeks so I know I can do this. The whole experience of breast cancer has been enlightening. I have learned that there are a lot of people out there that have gone through the process and are celebrating anniversaries of being cancer free. I have also learned that there are a lot of men and women still enduring the process and many more just beginning their battle. I am grateful for all of the support that I have received from everyone and the encouragement that has kept me going. I have remained positive and reminded myself that this too shall pass. The other day I talked with a nice woman that has been 8 years cancer free and she is still experiencing the cognitive issues that plague me. I believe that is one of the side effects that drive me nuts. Well at least I have an excuse when I say something that doesn’t make sense or sounds just outright dumb. “Excuse me but I am dealing with chemo brain today”