Ode to my Dad

26 years ago today my father left this world and left us all behind. He had been battling esophageal cancer yet it was pneumonia that took his life. They say cancer kills but actually it is usually the treatment or a result of the treatment that actually ends your life. My dad ignored the symptoms for a long time and once he was given his diagnosis it was not long after that he began to go downhill really fast. He was battling Parkinson as well as cancer at the same time. I loved my dad as do most daddy's girls and I had a closer relationship with him than I did my mother. I guess that was because I was sort of a tomboy. My younger sister related more with my mother than I did. All I ever wanted to do was make my dad proud of me but I felt that I let him down with each and every step that I took on my own. I left school at 17 to work full time. He was disappointed that I didn't graduate High School. I married my children's father at the age of 20 and he felt I was making a hasty decision. We had only dated 3 months. I wasn't pregnant so I guess he was relieved of that. My dad saw the problems I faced with the kids dad and he knew I wasn't happy but he kept his mouth shut.

My father died before I earned my GED and long before I earned three college degrees. Like I said I only wanted him to be proud of me. I was taking courses in Veterinary sciences when I got married and my mother in law advised me that I didn’t need to be going to school I needed to be working. Needless to say I stopped the courses and went to work in a Pet Store. Throughout my life I worried about my dad because he suffered with a hiatal hernia and would often not be able to eat his meals. I remember on my wedding day he was sick. I thought it was because of his stomach issues but he told me years later that it was the fact he did not like or trust the man I was marrying. He said that he didn’t want to tell me anything because he was afraid I would just run away and get married. He recognized the fact that the man was verbally abusive and controlling but I did not mention the supposedly accidental physical abuse. At the time I shrugged everything off and did not know I was in an abusive marriage. I felt that this was the way he was raised so I just needed to show him how to act. My father didn’t treat my mother in this manner but I still didn’t see the signs of abuse. We had a wonderful neighbor across the street that even talked to him and told him how he treated his wife. Tom ignored the messages. Throughout the years people would ask me or my mother if I was still with that asshole. It took me 28 years to realize that it wasn’t my fault and he was never going to change.

My father grew up in a family and a time that telling your family you loved them was not common. I tell my children at each and every chance I get that I love them and that I am proud of them. I do not want them to wonder once I am gone. My father told me he loved me the last time I saw him and by then his voice was so weak it was hard to hear that. Do not wait to tell those you love they need to know now.

There has been a lot of progress in cancer treatment in the last 26 years especially in breast cancer. I am glad that my parents are not going through this battle with me here on earth. I do believe that they are with me though. Those we love may leave this world but they do not truly leave us. They are with us in spirit and in our hearts and memories. I have angels on my side and a huge group of family and friends praying and encouraging me at every turn. I just want to say I miss my conversations with my dad and being able to hug him and kiss his cheek. I do know that he is here with me and he was the best dad to me.