Meeting the Oncologist in my human form

Seeing the Oncologist today was enlightening and then a feeling of overkill. This is the third doctor or specialist that has told me how serious the Her2 gene is and how it is the worst cancer you can have. I didn’t want to be rude but I wanted to say “Okay I get it now let’s get down to business and eradicate that alien booger” Thank goodness Dr. Rana has a sense of humor and she loved the alien designation and told me that she was going to be aggressive with treatment and adjust accordingly. She was more worried about me getting upset that the treatment will cause my hair to fall out. Pffft I replied it will grow back I was just a little disappointed that the surgeon may just do a lumpectomy and not a whole mastectomy so I could get a front end alignment. “But your hair is so beautiful we were afraid it would upset you to lose it. I can even give you a prescription for a wig” she exclaimed. I explained that I had done a lot of research and I am aware of all the side effects and issues that I may face. The only way that they can make chemo to be more acceptable is to guarantee weight loss along with the hair loss and problems with a lowered immunity. Get me back down to my pre baby weight and I will call it a blessing.

There is no good cancer so telling me that I have one of the worst is not going to make a difference. There have been too many strides in fighting cancer and the medicines that they have now to target the Her2 gene are amazing. I know it will be a battle and no battle is easy. Threats of neuropathy,  cardiac problems, lowered white or red blood cells or extreme fatigue can be addressed if and when they develop. My first priority is to whip this alien C and rid my body of its existence. Then she mentions the possibility of death. I am not afraid of death it is one of the things that you are guaranteed once you take that first breath when entering this time and space.

Regardless of how healthy you try to live and what genes are passed down from your ancestors we all have an expiration date and no matter how hard we try we will one day leave this world and existence. I was thinking about that inevitable day this morning and what wishes I would like to carry out. I am against having chemicals placed in my body to preserve it then placing it in an expensive box decorated with metal or carved wood and silky fabrics. I am against having a cement vault placed in the ground to hold the fancy box that holds the human remains of what was me. I am against paying a business to process the whole shebang.

Funerals are for the living and as I am told they are there to help the living place closure on losing a loved one or friend. In my experience funerals are a way for families and friends to get together and catch up. When it is my time to leave this existence the vessel that I occupy now will be just that a vessel. I want my human remains to be cremated and the results will be ashes of my human form. I will not be in that body, I will not be a part of those ashes but with that I will provide closure to those that need it. I want those that love and care for me to have the opportunity to take a part of those remains and spread them in a manner that means something to them. Maybe Josh and Elizabeth will take me out mudding  on their 4-wheeler and leave me beside the river, maybe Justin and Sheena will take a droid to the hill top that looks over Hoover Valley in Marble Falls and let that droid fly around releasing little particles everywhere. Kristan and Nate may choose to take me fishing at North Shore Park on Lake Woodlands or out in a boat on Lake Conroe. John may take me to the beach or to his hidden fishing spot so I can finally see it. Regardless of where I go and the manner that is chosen does not matter. The ashes are not sacred they are just what remains. Like the Bible, the Book of Mormon or whatever religious written word there may be it is not the pages and the book that are sacred it is the word and the faith that the word instills in you that is sacred.

Once you have left this time and dimension through death you are not in that vessel of human form. I guess I just feel that placing one vessel inside another then placing those vessels into a cement vault is an activity of overkill. I have moved on to my next existence and left this world behind. I don’t want to see tears of regret flowing from anyone’s eyes. I want to hear laughter and see smiles through the tears as you share stories and happy memories. Is that too much to ask for?